"When your spirit speaks to me, with my whole heart I'll agree and my answer will be "Yes Lord, yes."
These are some of the words to a song we sing at our church. When I am singing these words and when I'm going I about my daily routine, I mean these words with all of my heart and soul.
I believe that God speaks to us, regardless of whether it be in an audible voice that we may hear in our minds or through a silent voice, or even other ways. Sometimes I hear and, truthfully, sometimes I don't. I am sure that when I don't hear him, when he is speaking to me, it is because I am either busy talking or putting my attention elsewhere. As time passes, I learn more and more about paying attention in my spirit, so that I do my best to hear when and what God speaks to me.
There have been times when I knew God was nudging me to do or say something for someone else and I knew that if I didn't do it, whatever it was, that I would regret it later. The first time I felt moved in my spirit to do what I felt God urging me to do, I held back and said, "No." I was afraid of the unknown outcome. Because I said no, I regretted it so much later on. It took that heavy feeling of regret for me to decide that I wouldn't say no anymore. Since then, I have determined about doing what I feel or hear God moving me to do. Sure, there have been times when I felt fear arise before I did or said whatever it was that I felt God leading me to do/say, but I muster the courage to walk through the fear and do it anyway. Especially since I know that God is not the author of fear.
Not every time was I thanked or did I physically see a grand outcome from doing what I'd said yes to, but every time I have walked away with an un-explainable peace in my heart. I've never, until now, felt that anyone had ever totally rejected listening to what God had for them, that I was delivering or doing for Him.
I waited until I knew that I was clear on what God was speaking to my heart. I delivered the message , carefully and cautiously, due to surrounding circumstances of frustration. As I delivered what was in my heart, I was caught off gaurd that I had been cut off and not heard through, and, needless to say, felt the sting of rejection. But this was a different feeling of rejection. It wasn't like being told you aren't good enough, or even like being rejected from a group at school or church or a club. I remember being picked last, many times, to be on one of the teams for gym ball, in elementary school. That becomes a serious feeling of rejection after several times of it happening. If you can relate then you know what I mean. This sting was so much deeper than any I've ever felt. I don't know how better to explain it. I can happily say that I hadn't had my feelings on my shoulder or anywhere near my sleeve, but all of a sudden, I felt cut and the searing sting of a different kind of rejection. I did my best to explain a little better, but it appeared that I was at a dead end with the delivery. I knew what I was suppose to do and I did it, but it didn't feel like near enough. I stopped and very quietly said, "God, I don't understand. I did what you told me to do and I know that you are right. What just happened? I said "Yes, Lord". Why does this feel like this?" The sting only began to feel worse and so overwhelming. My joy was not stolen:):) I still have it, but such a heaviness and sadness moved in that all I could do was just be and ask God to help me. I felt sad for God. Yep, I said it. I felt sad for God because he'd been clear with me and, though I'd done what he prompted me to do, and being confident in what he'd placed in my heart, it never got a chance to proven to be effective, according to His will, not mine.
Did I take it personal? For a few moments I did until something crossed my mind, "maybe, since the sadness does not feel anything like or near a self-pity, this sadness I feel isn't for me." It was for God. It made me feel like crying and apologizing to God for what had happened, although no apology was due from me. I got away for a few minutes and cried and told God that I didn't understand. He knew my heart, better than me, had been humble upon delivery and that I was struggling w/how to handle it. I asked God to please make my heart whole and help me not to feel what I was feeling, and also to help me resist the anger that was beginning to knock on my heart's door.
Hours later, I am still astounded and wandering why God would "speak" to me and then allow it to "backfire." Then, I think to myself, "Maybe this is the start of a new level of spiritual growth. Perhaps it happened that way because God is turning up the temperature on this "piece of rice" and preparing it (me) for the big boil. (Re: previous post) I don't know.
What I do know is that when God speaks to me, I will still say yes. When he shows me a way to break down a "wall" and turn a situation around, I won't ever stand back, again, and wait to be joined. When God says move, I refuse to stand still. He is a loving and patient God, but time doesn't stop and wait on us to move.
At the end of the day, I am feeling more and more grateful (with each moment that passes) that I responded, "Yes" to God and that I didn't turn back to my old ways of lashing out upon the first sign of any type of rejection. What I learned is that God knows what is best. I have no doubt God saw what was ahead and that He remains in control. He's Great and greatly to be praised.
Thank you God for using me. "Yes, Lord, you can use me."
Until next time,